OBJECTIVE: To begin my post-graduate career in an insignificant, entry-level position that will provide me with income (preferably valid United States currency) and a sense of self-worth.
EDUCATION:
- Small College You Haven’t Heard Of, Bachelor of Arts, May 2011
- Town You Also Haven’t Heard Of, South Carolina
- Major: Blah Blah Liberal Arts Interdisciplinary Blah
- GPA: Same as Everyone Else’s/ Irrelevant to a Real Job
SKILLS PROFILE:
- COMMUNICATION: I communicate, yes. Want to know how many ways I can communicate? All the ways. That’s right. Need me to say stuff? I can do that. Want me to type some stuff? Done. Talk on the phone? Call me right now and guess what: I’ll ANSWER SO POLITELY IT WILL AMAZE YOU.
- CLERICAL SKILLS: I’m a child of the information age, so really it’s silly to have me list this stuff. I’ve been using MS Word since I was like seven. Pull out your laptop right now and let’s have a PowerPoint contest. Do you know how many A+ presentations I’ve made in ten minutes? Don’t have ten minutes? Give me five: BOOM, B-.
RELEVANT EXPERIENCE:
None really, but please allow me to articulate the many reasons why I think my minimum-wage work history is extremely relevant and has adequately prepared me for this job.
- One time I had to do something difficult at work, and I think it made me a really good leader
- Here’s the job description for another one of my jobs; sometimes I did these things
- Another time in another job, I was told to do a lot of different things and I did them all even though none of them were in my job description. This made this job important in my life because later I realized that I didn’t have to do those things and should have said “No, I won’t work in the stockroom because I haven’t completed the forklift safety course which is legally required before beginning work in the stockroom.” #Lifechanger (Note that hashtag! If you don’t hire me for the job I’m applying for, I could be your new social media expert! Once again: child of the information age here!)
- Here’s this other job that I had for two months. I hope you don’t call the manager because he won’t remember me… but here’s his phone number so you don’t think I have something to hide.
- Please hire me
- Seriously…please
MISCELLANEOUS QUALIFICATIONS:
- Authorized to work in the United States
- Valid North Carolina Driver’s License
- Reliable Transportation
- Very Good at Scrabble
- So Pretty (Mom’s exact words)
- Tons of Potential (also from Mom)
- Valid US Passport
- Willing to Relocate
